


another basic vent fic

by TheOtherBookwormFanperson



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, Suicide Attempt, tfw ur brain machine Broke and u just like. this might as well happen., vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-02
Updated: 2018-06-02
Packaged: 2019-05-17 06:00:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14826692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheOtherBookwormFanperson/pseuds/TheOtherBookwormFanperson
Summary: it's early june and evan is alone, as always. and something is wrong. and he runs.





	another basic vent fic

**Author's Note:**

> it's 3 am and life fuckin uhhhhhhhh sucks so. yeah. this is about evan's su//icid/e attempt so be careful.

Evan's heart was racing. He didn't know what was wrong, but everything had just been building up and up and up and he hadn't talked to anyone outside of grunts and "okay" at work for weeks. He was absolutely cut off and felt completely alone. And the emptiness in his life was overwhelming.

He had been walking through the woods for at least ten minutes now. He knew exactly where he was, but at the same time, he felt completely lost and almost didn't recognize his own footsteps. His shoes tripped over each other and he stumbled farther and farther into the forest, trying to outrun his incapability of dealing with his life.

It was just too much. He couldn't think straight.

Vaguely, he was aware he was crying. He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, speeding up his walk.

His vision blurred from the remnants of his overwhelmed tears, he didn't see the tree trunk looming ahead until he slammed head-on into it. Shaking his head to clear it, he realized the tree was his favorite in the forest - the big oak one, deep enough that he could be alone and usually, be peaceful.

Today, peace was too close to emptiness.

He scrambled up the tree branches, relishing in every rough scrape against his fingers. Twigs snapped under his hands and feet, and he mentally apologized to the tree for them. He gasped for air, reaching higher and higher and higher.

The next branch he grabbed for broke away in his hand, and he clung tighter to the trunk, a jolt of terror breaking through the muddled mess of his head. He settled for the branch below the broken stump, maneuvering his way to a seat.

Still clutching the trunk with one hand and his chest with the other, he panted for air, tears streaming down his face. He wiped his face again.

Evan realized part of the reason he was having trouble breathing was his binder. He remembered now that this was the one he wasn't supposed to exercise too much in. Well, there went that rule.

Slowly, he managed to calm his breathing. He turned on the branch to allow his head to thunk back against the trunk, letting out a sigh.

Life returned to normal. His heart no longer pounded quite as hard. A few minutes later, he could feel his hands again. He looked down at his hands, then at the ground.

Pretty far down.

He tore his gaze away from the forest floor and out over the forest.

His eyes landed on a meadow that looked pretty from up here. The clearing was barely visible through the trees, but the wild grasses there seemed golden yellow in the June sun. It practically glowed.

For a moment, he entertained his old fantasy. A world where he had a friend. A world where he had made plans with this friend, and stuck to them, and hung out with them. Maybe this friend would work at the reserve too, or just come along. There was a nice breeze blowing the lower branches. He imagined conversations with his friend, sitting at the base of his favorite tree and remembering each other's favorite bands. He and his friend could run for the sake of running, to outrun each other but not leave one behind, instead of running to escape something. The grasses would leave seeds stuck in both their clothes, but they could play tag, climb together, just talk and laugh and be happy together.

A raven cawed and the moment broke.

He was up his tree still. Alone still. Useless still. He couldn't even ask Jared to hang out, he was too awkward and when he had tried to write a message to him to ask if he could hang out, he'd been shaking so bad he couldn't even hit SEND.

It didn't make any difference anyway, he thought. Jared would be busy and wouldn't want to hang out with him, and he'd still be here, alone.

Or alone except for the raven. The bird lighted on the broken stump of branch that he had cracked earlier and stared at him. He watched it in silence until it decided it was bored of him too and gave a loud caw, launching into the sky.

He craned his neck to watch it go, and lost his balance.

Arms pinwheeling wildly, he fell backwards into the tree's boughs.

Luckily, he caught another branch. His arms scraped and he was pretty sure he was bleeding, but he was alive. His chest was pressed sort of uncomfortably against the branch, but it was that or let go altogether.

He looked up and figured he could climb back up to safety easily.

Then he looked down through the gap in the branches.

And figured he could solve his mom's financial problems easily, and stop bothering Jared easily, and end his confusing, mediocre days easily.

He pulled himself up towards the branch he'd grabbed, towards safety, and propped his elbows up.

Then he swung his legs back a little and let go.


End file.
